Member-only story
A brief goodbye note sits on my desk, detailing my desire to bid the world farewell. I twist my heavy blanket tightly around my neck, gasping for air as I press my face against my pillow. I’m not sure how long I lay like this, but I wake up to my mother screaming at me. Not screaming out of concern, but screaming because she is furious that I tried to kill myself.
I’m in 3rd grade, and I’ve become completely unhinged because my mother refused to buy valentines for my class party. This might sound like a minor incident, but it’s not if you’re severely depressed. When you’re suffocated by sadness 24/7, you look for excuses to make it stop. Maybe you didn’t know the answer to the math problem you did in class or you forgot your lunch money. Perhaps your favorite stuffed animal fell apart in the washing machine or your grandma forgot your birthday. Maybe you had green beans for dinner and you hate green beans.
There’s always an excuse that validates your suicidal thoughts, even if it seems silly to other people. You can’t expect them to fully understand your mindset, though — and it’s not their fault that they don’t get it. Depression relies on emotions, not logic. It makes up its own rules as it progresses, dragging you along for a soul-crushing ride. Things you loved yesterday might mean nothing to you today, and it’s hard…
